Psalm 69:2 I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.
I thought "it" was my friend. I fed it whenever and whatever it wanted. I was so consumed with its desires that I could never think of even getting dressed without consulting with it first. I catered my desires to it, even if it meant my physical demise. I gave it everything. Eventually, it infected my entire life, even my walk with my God. Now I sit here in the filth and mire of my own mistake. I have allowed myself to be tricked and blinded by it...MY FLESH! Everytime that I fed it, it became stronger, but that was its plan: To become strong enough to mutiny. I thought we were "just" friends, I even fell in love with it, I loved what it loved and hated the ONE who loved me and warned me to deny it. I declared my love for my beloved Flesh, by choosing to ignoring The Beloved, the One who had given His life so that I could live. Even as I lay in this mire, a victim, I reach up to My Flesh for help, and for the first time I look into its eyes, regrettably remembering a verse in the Bible; Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. But surely he would remember all that I sacrificed, thus showing my complete and open devotion. As I reach up to it, I not only see abandonment in its eyes, but I see ridicule and feel condemnation. This Flesh that I had given so much to please, was now pointing its finger at me. It now convinces me that everyone looks through me and see that I am a slave to It: an ADDICT. I look down in shame, embarassed, I look around in the mire and wonder how am I going to get out of it. Would I ever get over the love that I have for it? As I search for someone to blame and carry this burden with me, I realize that it was I the whole time. It was no one else's fault but my own. Maybe if I DETERMINE to do better, or if I read a self-help book that would make it all better. But then I realize that there is nothing that I can do to make this better. I am in too deep. In my shame I take full responsibility for placing the blind fold upon my own life and feeding My Flesh. Something that felt so good and rewarding at one point has left me poor, exposed, and lonely. I repent (II Chronicles 7:14), but have no idea how to clean up the effects of my poor decisions. I look up into the face of God and see (and feel) His love for me. BUT GOD...
ICor. 6:11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God
Without any hesitation or condemnation, God reaches down and picks me up (Romans 5:8). He washes me thoroughly and introduces me to something called Justification. I had always thought that this is something that happend only at salvation. But I remember IJohn 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. God doesn't just give me a quick "brush off" or just doesn't cover me with nice outer clothing, but He cleanes me from the inside, out, just as if I had never sinned. He showers me with His love, a love that had always been there but never tapped into. For the first time it replaces all the bad that I felt about myself. In an instant I forget about the love that I have for that flesh, because, the love that I have for The One overshadows it. He lifts up my head and places my feet on stability...the Rock. Psalm 40:2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. When I thought that God had turned his back on me, It was my sin he looked away from, when He looked on me, He saw His Son, Jesus Christ. I am no longer a victim but a victor who is determined to only look on my past mistakes as it pertains to helping others not fall into its filthy traps. I am looking to my future. I am the called according to His purpose. Called to minister to women coming out of there bondage, whether it be religion, abusive marriages, addictions, or whatever the devil has put into our lives to make us victims. I look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, who sees in me what I don't yet see in myself, but I know that as I draw closer to Him, I will begin to see what he sees, the way He sees it. Oh yeah, as for my relationship with My Flesh, I declare and decree that it is over, it was a one-sided "thing" anyway, besides my relationship with The Beloved out shines it all, and is way more rewarding. And while I know that repairing my life is going to be a long road, I am confident that God, who is now working through me, will never leave me nor forsake me.