So...Today is a new day!

Last night at church I had an epiphany:  I AM MY OWN PERSONAL ENABLER!  As I was laying in my bed meditating (unintentionally) on the message, the Lord spoke to my heart and showed me that I invest in keeping myself back...I AM "THE MAN"  I thought about all of the resources that God has given me to get back into school that I had squandered on sheer stupidity.  I thought about the food that I invest in that tastes good, but keeps me from my goal, thus binding me in defeat.  Then I thought about a verse that God gave me to claim over my family:  Joel 2:25-27 which states:

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm^[b]—
my great army that I sent among you.
²⁶ You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.
²⁷ Then you will know that I am in Israel,
that I am the Lord your God,
and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.

 

Which ended up really being for me, God is my father and I am his little girl.  He allowed me to fail so that I could come to the end of what I can do and allow him to do it for me.  He wants the glory!  This is how I am new:  I have no more tricks up my sleeve, no more clever ideas, I am too exhausted to DO, all I can do is rest and surrender ALL of me, God does not help those who help themselves, He helps those who fully trust in him surrendering all, determined to do whatever He says (John 2:5).  This is what I do know: He is about to give me a NEW identity, He is going to take me places I dont even have the mental capacity to dream of, He has healed me, and going to use me to lead others to his healing power.

Everyone has (or will have) a moment in there life when they realize that they had the wrong expectations about Change.  For me, my moment came this week, as I lay in my bed thinking back to my expectations upon leaving my world of religious bondage and passive-aggressive abuse.  I was confident as to the church that I would attend and looking forward to it.  I really thought that I would walk in and tell my "tragic" story and become the "talk of the church," as everyone rallied around me praying healing for myself, as well as my family.  Yes, I was this prideful (LOL)!  I also expected to walk in and be told how to live this new life.   Even though, I was walking away from bondage and control, it is all that I knew and without it, I felt unconfident as to my choices and life's path.  I never saw myself sitting here, lonely, broken, and weak wondering if I made the right choice, without the strength to carry on and begin again.  I never realized just how much strength my past churches had sucked out of me.  So, here I am...angry!  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end."  God has seen everything before it has happend, and what he has began, He will finish in your life.  Abraham believed God, not even considering his circumstances or mistakes.  He trusted God!  I am confident that "All the promises of God are in him, YES and in Him, AMEN!"  And against all that I have been taught, anger and frustration are normal emotions, but I will not allow the devil to "muddy up the waters" by causing me to sin due to my emotion.  God is in control and HE is stretching my faith, patience, love, etc... for whatever else He has for me in the near future.  So, to you I say, just trust him!  No matter what you are going through, God has already paid for every blessing you will ever recieve, all you have to do is accept it, but, some blessings, all you need to do is wait (Isaiah 40:31)!  Oh yeah...It's O.K. to laugh at yourself!  Change can be quite funny too!